Extra notes about Chapter 17 – The Done-to Half
in the book, The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent.
Other notes are found here.

Distinctions: Surrender, Passivity, and Going with the Flow

Three concepts that sometimes get conflated are quite different. I want to distinguish them based on what I have learned in the Allow Quadrant.

Surrender

Surrender implies surrender to something: another person, your own physical experience, or your pleasure. You stop trying to direct it, and you relax into it.

In Allowing, you surrender to your partner, which means you set aside your preference but keep your responsibility for your limits. You set aside micromanaging, sink into your partner’s desire, and go with that. This is a consciously chosen, powerful, fun, sexy, profound experience, and often a big relief. It requires a partner in Taking mode or there is nothing to surrender to. Sometimes the hardest part of Allowing is finding a partner who can stay in Taking.

In the Allowing Quadrant, you have a body experience of it; it’s not theoretical. Your body feels what it’s like to be felt, moved around, rolled, picked up and enjoyed without you planning it. It’s a wonderful feeling.

Submit. If you have to fight to keep from getting overwhelmed, to submit means you lost the fight. In surrender, there is no need for a fight, because you have chosen the limits within which you would like to surrender, and you trust yourself to speak up as needed. This allows for a sweet, relaxed letting go. If you don’t know how to surrender, one approach is to try to find someone who will overwhelm you; then you can submit. When you have the skill to not submit, then you can surrender. (Note that in BDSM usage, “submit” has a particular meaning that is different than what I am using here. See Power and Surrender.)

Passivity

One meaning of passivity is “acted upon.” That applies to both Allowing and Accepting. The other meaning is “not choosing.” That applies to neither quadrant, because you are choosing. This kind of passivity means you go along because you don’t know what else to do, you are unaware that there is any choice, or you feel hopeless that the choice matters in the end.

We all have some places we are passive—erotically, personally, socially, politically—places we have given up making full choices or forgot we have a choice. We go along with our country bombing villages across the globe because how could we stop it anyway?

Passivity is never something we joyfully choose. It is the least awful alternative, a way to try to feel safe or to avoid the risk of choosing. Passivity leads to resentment. The amount of resentment in your heart is a good indicator of how passive you have been in any given relationship. The cure for the relationship is to learn this practice. The cure for your heart is to inquire into yourself, take full responsibility for the empowerment you gave away, and forgive yourself. You did the best you could with what you had available to you at the time.

If you are empowered and trying to engage someone who is passive, it’s not going to go anywhere. There’s no one home to play with. It’s like trying to play tennis with someone who won’t hit the ball back to you.

Going with the flow

“Going with the flow” usually implies flexibility, giving up a compulsion to control, a state of mind that is relaxed and not trying to micromanage, or a beautiful and empowered surrender. It can also be a cover for being passive or wishy washy. You can say “I’m going with the flow” when you are actually being passive.

When we own our responsibility for choosing and conveying our limits and are able to perceive what is in front of us and respond to it, we can enter a state of relaxed play that is improvisational, spontaneous, and expressive. We can go with the flow. We can respond to changes in our arousal and our partner. This is a wonderful state, and it requires that we take responsibility for ourselves. This kind of “going with the flow” and being passive cannot be done at the same time.

How they fit together

Surrender and passivity are not the same; the crux is choosing. In surrender, you make an empowered choice to take a role. Without choosing, there is no surrender, only passivity.

It’s easy to use “going with the flow” to disguise passivity, even to ourselves. Notice where you resist choosing. If you resist choosing when it is your turn, you are probably being passive.