The Wheel Changed my Life

I’d done a lot of tantra courses and kink courses before I met the Wheel of Consent and something in me had rebelled against being asked to do structures or exercises doing things that I didn’t always want to do, with people I didn’t want to work with. Though I’d learned so much about myself through being willing to take part in these exercises; principally compassion, courage and expansion, I wanted real choice.

The downside of those workshops is that it’s hard to create anything at home as the “wisdom” is all out there. Coming to the Wheel of Consent and working with it for the last seven years has brought my creativity and power back to me to decide what happens to my body and in my life. Finding my desire and agency for what I want in any given moment, not what I “should” want to please someone else, makes me feel alive.

The Wheel of Consent has offered subtle, radical honesty. Of course I’m aware it can feel alien to new partners but there’s no going back to confusion, telepathy, avoidance or acquiescence. Playing the Three Minute Game is liberation. Here are some of the lessons I’ve learned with love, value and trust.

I’ve learned how to feel more through placing my attention.

Doing does not equal Giving. That’s old school.

I know the difference between Wanting and Willing.

May I? Will You? Yes. No. That’s it.

I know when it’s for me.

I know when it’s for someone else.

Taking is the game changer.

Allowing surprises me every time.

Thank you is better than Sorry.

I’m still learning how to Receive for long periods.

3 minutes is enough.

Receiving is all very well, learning to feel pleasure from touching someone else I found more empowering. It’s all receiving, we call that Taking.

A 3 minute timer beats a vibrator.

I’m great in bed if spontaneous, creative, relaxed, caring, generous, skilled presence counts.

Your skin is the greatest erogenous zone.

69 is a great 3 minute meditation.

It can get you somewhere you didn’t know you wanted till you got there and felt it. Sigh.

Sometimes 3 minutes is too long. Changing your mind is good.

Counter offers are welcome.

My clarity is off the scale. It’s not always popular. It helps me a lot.

I tolerated for too long. Not anymore.

I’ve broken habits of a life time.

I’ve stopped having mammograms.

I can do and say what I want. Yes, there’ll be consequences. I’ll deal with them.

The golden hairs on someone’s arm made my cheeks blush and my yoni pulse.

I love being pushed up against the wall with someone pulling my hair, heavy breathing and squeezing my bum. It’s hot.

I can ravage a man. They like it.

I can be in awe, gazing on my lover’s body.

Variety is what women want.

A still hand on the back of my heart makes me cry. Even to think about it brings tears.

I’m beginning to get grateful.

It’s the bedroom equivalent of jump-leads for couples.

Both people Taking, now you’re talking!

It’s the death of performance anxiety.

Letting your body decide is radical act of subversion.

Rejection is a change of direction.

It cuts through porn speak. If someone says they want to worship me – blah!

Saying No to my friends is the hardest thing. Explaining why is helping.

Stop over-giving when no-one asked you. Martyrdom is boring.

An explanation of No is a choice. And sometimes a kind addition.

Empaths can be intrusive actually. How about going back into your own Domain?

A man who can ask for what his whole body wants is brilliant.

Be wary of a man who only “loves to Give”.

It can create a revolution on a Tantra weekend.

Everything changes all of the time. Allow for that.

I’m still learning about safety even though I’ve never felt unsafe. The absence of fear is not the same as safety. I want to know the deeper feeling of safe.

We always have more power than we think, small choices matter.

Getting what you want, when you want, with who you want is wonderful.

• Alison