Extra notes about Chapter 16 – The Doing Half
in the book, The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent.
Other notes are found here.

Some notes that didn’t fit in the book:

Some Verbs

• “Touch” describes two things in contact. It doesn’t describe how or why. Two chairs can be touching. Between humans, touch also describes making contact, but doesn’t describe how or why.
• “Stroke” means to touch with an elongated movement as opposed to squeezing, poking or tickling. Usually assumed to be in the Serving quadrant.
• “Massage” is a combination of strokes and squeezing, and maybe other methods, for the benefit of the one being touched. It is in the Serving quadrant.
• “Caress” is to touch gently but it doesn’t indicate who it’s for. It could be Serving or Taking.
• “Feel” means to touch for the purpose of taking in information and perhaps pleasure, as in “feel up.” This is in the Taking quadrant except when it’s for the purpose of helping like feeling for a swelling or fracture. In health care, this is called palpating and is in the Serving Quadrant.

Distinctions: Empowered, Assertive, and Aggressive

I want to distinguish between a couple of ideas that often get confused with each other.

Power has a couple of sides. One is the ability to have a choice about what happens to you. The other is the ability to influence or have an effect on something or someone, usually outside yourself.

Empowered means to know how to exercise your choice and influence. It would be a terrible life if nothing you did made any difference. This is what despair is.

Assertive means to make your wishes and choices known, to assert them instead of hide them. It usually implies that you take the action of making yourself heard even if you have not been invited to do so. It depends on a certain amount of empowerment.

Aggressive means attempting to do harm. It’s hostile or violent. Ironically, it’s often a sign of feeling disempowered. When we feel despairing and ineffective, we can lash out. The more empowered you are, the more you notice you have an effect and use it and the less you need aggression. In this culture, we have these mixed up. A man who is assertive is called strong; a woman who is assertive is called aggressive. Men who are not assertive are called sissy, and aggression is glamorized, normalized, and often sexualized. And if we are particularly passive, everyone looks aggressive to us.

We often confuse power with aggression. We’ve all been in situations in which power was used badly or to dominate or harm. This makes power itself look bad. You may be terrified of your own power, so you stay away from it. You don’t take any action, because you don’t want to feel or express power, or you may be determined to grab all the power you can. Neither of these are helpful in the long run, and real empowerment gets lost. In the personal realm, we go along with whatever happens, hoping for the best. In the social realm, we still go along. We do not claim the power we can have to change the status quo. The Taking quadrant clears that up, because you take action based on your own desire but with respect for the limits of the Allower.

In the Wheel
Empowerment: You want it in all quadrants, being responsible for your limits and making requests.
Assertiveness: You need it sometimes if your limits are not being respected.
Aggressiveness: It doesn’t fit except maybe in fantasy role-play that you have negotiated.
In Taking, you are asserting what you want.
In Serving, you have the power to make a real contribution to someone else’s enjoyment.

Distinctions: Restraint and Repression

Restraint is the ability to not do something you have the urge to do, like punching your neighbor in the nose or grabbing that cute guy on the bus, because it will cause harm to someone or create a situation that is not worth it. Restraint is possible because you have something you value more than the moment, and you choose based on that value. It is possible because you have a level of brain development that children don’t. To stay within the limits of your agreement, you sometimes have to hold yourself back.

Repression is the inability to do something because you can’t access it. You are not as free as you would like. Repression creates an inner conflict. The impulse to reach over and feel is natural, but fear, shame, and guilt hold you back. It’s not that you care about the person or the effect (though you might also); you’re afraid of how you will feel.

I noticed this when people were trying to learn Taking and couldn’t do it. They said, “It’s wrong! It’s stealing!” When I clarified that they had permission, they still couldn’t do it. If you don’t do it because you don’t have permission, that’s restraint. If you have permission and still can’t do it, that’s shame or repression.

Develop restraint and heal repression. It may seem ironic, but developing restraint—learning consent and staying inside the limits of the Allower—lets you develop trust in yourself, and trust in yourself lets you heal the shame so you can access expression.

Distinctions: Control and Taking Charge

One reason people sometimes prefer the Doing half, or get stuck there, is that it feels like they can be more in control. Here are a couple of ideas that often get confused.

Take charge means to make a decision and act on it, to take responsibility for what you would like to have happen and for how you go about it. This is the opposite of passivity. If you want something involving other people, you seek to influence them by inviting them or by asking for what you would like, and you respect their choices. You may prefer an outcome, but you are not stuck on it.

Control means to attempt to avoid a particular outcome or an unknown outcome. You might try to control yourself and your feelings; you might try to control others’ actions or feelings. You may or may not be aware of what you are trying for. Control is an attempt to avoid discomfort. If you can control what others do, you won’t have to deal with making choices yourself. Once you face your discomfort and get help healing it, the need to control dissolves.

In the Wheel, people often think that staying in the Serving quadrant gives them some control. In a sense it does in that it helps them avoid discomfort. But in reality, perhaps ironically, the Accepter is actually in charge and choosing what is done.

Developing the Ability to Move with Expression

Movement never lies. It is a barometer telling the state of the soul’s weather to all who can read it.
― Martha Graham

Contact Improv: On Wikipedia, on YouTube, YouTube, and YouTube

Authentic Movement: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Authentic_Movement

Continuum Movement: https://continuummovement.com/continuum-an-overview/

Ecstatic dance, Free-form dance, Movement meditation, and other similar forms with different names in different cities are events in which you can dance and move as an expression of what you feel, instead of steps which you try to learn. It can be a little intimidating if you are not used to such freedom, and it can be profoundly liberating.