Extra notes about Chapter 25: Desire
in the book, The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent.
Other notes are found here.

An Example

A young couple called me to help them figure out why the wife was not excited about sex. I talked about this principle of finding what you actually want, and during the conversation, I asked her, “There is something that would make you eager to get into the bedroom every night. What is that thing?” She said, “I don’t know yet. Let me think about that.” About ten minutes later, she said, “Oh, I know what would make me eager to get into the bedroom. I know exactly what it is!” Since she didn’t tell me what it was, I have always wondered. Getting a back rub? Reading a poem? Starting with clothes on? All this person needed was someone to ask what she wanted and to give her time to notice what that was. This is a huge shift from feeling like there was something she was supposed to want.

What is Normal?

There are some things you like and some you don’t, some things you are interested in trying and some you are not. Sometimes you like some things, and other times you don’t like those same things. There are some people who turn you on and some who don’t; sometimes it has to do with gender and sometimes not. Some things bring you comfort and nourishment, and those same things may or may not also turn you on. Some of them might turn you off. All of those change as you mature and gain experience with different people or with the same person over time.

Quotes

Eroticism is the space between two parts of ourselves. Between our vulnerability and our excitement. This tension is the grain of sand that creates the pearl we call desire.
– Cyndi Darnell

Pleasure is, among other things, the feeling we get from satisfying a need. The more powerful the need, the greater the pleasure. To follow this principle requires, first, accepting that our needs are valid and even beautiful.
– Charles Eisenstein, The More Beautiful World Our Hearts Know Is Possible

Everything we liked or wanted or felt joy in had to be hidden or suppressed. I’m sad to say that this method works. If you don’t give as much credence or value to whatever it is that you love, it hurts less when it is inevitably taken from you.
– Alan Cumming, Not my Father’s Son: A Memoir

Your desires are trustworthy. Like a trail of breadcrumbs, your unique human desires, no matter how meager or petty or weird, will reliably lead your soul’s way home. Listen to them. Better yet, light them up and feel them. It’s like turning on the GPS locator for your heart.
– Robyn Thoren Smith

A vision articulates a future that someone deeply wants, and does it so clearly and compellingly that it summons up the energy, agreements, sympathy, political will, creativity, resources or whatever it takes to make that vision happen.
– bell hooks, quoting Donella Meadows (in All About Love: New Visions)

When we are cut off from the fulfillment of our basic needs we seek out substitutes to temporarily ease the longing. Bereft of connection to nature, connection to community, intimacy, meaningful self-expression, ensouled dwellings and built environment, spiritual connection, and the feeling of belonging, lots of us over-consume, overeat, over-shop, and over-accumulate. How much do you need to eat, to compensate for a feeling of not belonging? How much pornography to compensate for a deficit of intimacy? How much money to compensate for a deep sense of insecurity? No amount is enough.
– Charles Eisenstein, The More Beautiful World Our Hearts Know Is Possible

Poetry

Ask Much, The Voice Suggested, by Jane Hirschfield

Ask much, the voice suggested, and I startled.
Feeling my body like the trembling body of a horse
tied to its tree while the strange noise
passes over its ears.
I who in extremity had always wanted less,
even of eating, of sleeping.
Agile, the voice did not speak again, but waited.
“Want more” ––
a cure for longing I had not thought of.
But that is how it is with wells.
Whatever is taken refills to the steady level.
The voice agreed, though softly, to quiet the feet of the horse:
A cup taken out, a cup reappears; a bucketful taken, a bucket.

resources

Mentioned in the chapter: Marshal Rosenburg and NVC. I mentioned the difference between needs and strategies. Here is a free download.

And some books:

The Return of Desire, by Gina Ogden

Come as You Are, by Emily Nagoski

The Evolution of Desire, by David Buss

Women’s Anatomy of Arousal, by Sheri Winston